When Perimenopause Wrecks Your Relationships

Let’s talk about something most people don’t really warn you about — the way perimenopause can throw a wrecking ball through your relationships. Not because you’ve suddenly turned into a different person, but because the hormonal shifts in your body do change how you feel, how you think, how you respond to the world — and how much of your usual high-performer energy you can consistently produce. And if the people around you aren’t tuned in, don’t have your best interests at heart, don’t know how to meet your changes with compassion, or can’t support the new version of you that’s emerging — things can get rocky.

One big reason so many marriages, long-term relationships, and even work dynamics unravel during menopause is because our entire society — families, workplaces, romantic partnerships — is built around a version of you that’s been producing, organizing, caring for everyone, coordinating everything. You’re the glue. High functioning. Goal-oriented. Holding space for everyone else. It’s exhausting — but when you’re younger, you don’t realize that’s why you have the stamina to do it all.

When I entered perimenopause, I was a single mom working full time at a high-pressure tech job. I was utterly naïve and totally unprepared for what the hormonal drop would do to me. It started with extreme night sweats, insomnia, and anxiety — all completely new symptoms. I had always slept like a rock, even during the most stressful moments of my life. I saw a neurologist and described what felt like an “anger panic attack" after a migraine - and I always understood hormone shifts were one of several migraine triggers for me, as mine started at puberty. He looked irritated, was dismissive, and told me to see a psychiatrist. In hindsight, that was a harmful redirection. If he’d simply said, “This could be perimenopause,” I believe my mental health and confidence might have held up better.

I had zero support. My boyfriend at the time — the one who was on the receiving end of that panic attack — left without a shred of curiosity about why my behavior had changed so dramatically, overnight. I did see a psychiatrist, but it took many years after that to check my hormones. I was put on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. I cycled through prescriptions for sleep and mood swings — none of them helped. It was devastating. Isolating. I felt like an untreatable case.

Then came the brain fog. Word loss. Memory glitches. I couldn’t think on my feet. Couldn’t trust my own reactions. And my professional life — where I’d always felt sharp and capable — started to fall apart. That unraveling? It was a turning point. I’ll go deeper into that in another blog.

Here’s what women need to know: when hormones shift — especially estrogen and progesterone — that familiar, reliable version of you might start to fade. The stuff that used to roll off your back? Suddenly overwhelming. The things you used to ignore or tolerate? Now they hit harder. You might want to speak up more. Or you may need more quiet time to unwind. Or cry sometimes. Or just… not show up as consistently as you did before.

And that’s not you being broken. That’s your nervous system, your brain chemistry, your inner compass saying: It’s time to re-evaluate. But if your partner, your boss, your kids — even your friends — aren’t built for that level of change and reflection, you might find yourself out on a limb. Alone.

The hardest part? Many women start to feel like they’re “too much” or “not enough.” Too emotional. Too flaky. Not productive. Too moody. Not fun anymore. But you’re not failing — even though it is nearly impossible to tell yourself that — you’re evolving. And you need to surround yourself with support to get you through it. You really need to evaluate early and often whether you are spending time in relationships that can evolve with you. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself isolated, spinning out in anxiety loops, and suffering alone.

Menopause isn’t just physical. It’s emotional. Psychological. Relational. It forces you to look around and ask: Who really sees me? Who gets it? Who’s still here when I’m not operating at 110%?

Eventually, for me, I started to see the structures and people I needed to lean on were not there. Some friends fell away from me at this time. It was a bitter pill to swallow to realize I was only acceptable to my second husband in performance mode. By simply asking for some support and expressing a need to set healthier boundaries, I was met with real abuse and cruelty. But, I could no longer take it all on, and keep up the appearance that I didn’t need anything and could serve everyone.

That’s the work — surrounding yourself with people who communicate with care. Who are curious, not critical. Who value your being more than your doing. Spend time around loved ones who don’t flinch when you shift gears or take up new space in your own life.

So no, you’re not crazy. And no, you’re not alone. If it feels like your relationships are changing — it’s because they are. But so are you. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It might be the start of something more honest, more supportive, more real.

You have to become loyal, dedicated, and dependable for yourself in a brand-new way, and hold space so you can emerge as a graceful butterfly, rather than a lonely and battle-scarred empty nester or cat lady. Now post-menopause, I must be honest and raw when I tell you: I am not quite to butterfly stage yet. But I aspire to be.